Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have. He: We will have two kids. She: I want three kids. He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one. She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own. ————————————————— Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that? Husband: How can I? I don’t even know her. ————————————————— The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’ The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’ Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle that bitch to death’. ————————————————— “Honey, I want a new iPhone for my birthday!” “But what about the other one?” “The other one is getting me an iPad” ————————————————— Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce! Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison—got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years and did it with no fucking problem. Made to do hard labor in hundred degree South African heat for 27 years and did it with no problem. He got out of jail after 27 years of torture, spent six months with his wife and said, ‘I can’t take this shit no more!’ ————————————————— Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this ‘Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter? Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, ‘I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to remind you. ————————————————— My wife left me because of all the overtime I’ve been doing as a security guard at the airport. As she walked out, I said: “Did you pack your own bags?” ————————————————— A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!” ————————————————— A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.” ————————————————— One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”. ————————————————— A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling “Who’s been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo, mate!” ————————————————— There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home. The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’ ————————————————— “Husband forgot to wish his wife a happy birthday. He came home late at night from the office… His wife shouted: How would you feel if you didn’t see me for the next few days? He couldnt believe his luck. He replied at once: ” Wowww… That would be great..!” Monday passed, and he didn’t see her… Tuesday, he didnt see her Wednesday passed too On Thursday the swelling was better and he could see her from the corner of his left eye… 😀